Volunteers Fighting Disease

V.F.D. Heart-shaped Balloon

One volunteer

The Volunteers Fighting Disease (unrelated to the Volunteer Fire Department) are a group of cheerful people who travel to Heimlich Hospital in an attempt to cure the patients with their cheerful moods.

Unfortunately, they never provide patients with anything legitimately helpful such as medicine, although some people believe that someone's morale is more powerful than a placebo effect. For example, a man asks a nurse to be called for painkillers, while a woman requests a glass of water. One volunteer declines claiming they don't have time, while another says, "a cheerful attitude is a more effective way of fighting illness than painkillers, or a glass of water. So cheer up, and enjoy your balloon."

They first make their appearance in Book the Eighth: The Hostile Hospital. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny disguise themselves as volunteers, in the hope of finding a lead to the mystery surrounding their family. It is believed that all of the Volunteers Fighting Disease survived the fire which destroyed Heimlich Hospital.

Organization

The Volunteers, led by a bearded man with a guitar, travel, and presumably live, in a square, gray van with the letters "V.F.D." printed on its side.

Names are not used among the Volunteers Fighting Disease. Rather, volunteers call each other "brother" and "sister."

It is generally accepted in the group that the news is always depressing, as their motto is "no news is good news," and so none of the volunteers read The Daily Punctilio.

Two known members in the TV series are the bearded man and perky volunteer.

Activity

At Heimlich Hospital, the volunteers go from room to room, handing out pink, heart-shaped balloons to sick patients with the belief that their cheerful attitudes can heal the sick. Led by the bearded man and his guitar, they sing the following song:

We are Volunteers Fighting Disease

And we're cheerful all day long

If someone said that we were sad

That person would be wrong

We visit people who are sick

And try to make them smile

Even if their noses bleed

Or if they cough up bile

Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee

Hope you get well soon

Ho ho ho, hee hee hee

Have a heart-shaped balloon

We visit people who are ill

And try to make them laugh

Even when the doctor says

He must saw them in half

We sing and sing all night and day

And then we sing some more

We sing to boys with broken bones

And girls whose throats are sore

Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee

Hope you get well soon

Ho ho ho, hee hee hee

Have a heart-shaped balloon

We sing to men with measles

And to women with the flu

And if you breathe in deadly germs

We'll probably sing to you

Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee

Hope you get well soon

Ho ho ho, hee hee hee

Have a heart-shaped balloon

In the TV series, they sing this when Klaus takes a balloon:

We visit patients in their beds

And get them to cheer up

Even when they donate blood

Or pee into a cup

In the TV series, they sing this while visiting patients:

We visit victims everywhere

And try to calm them down

Even when their raw red throats

Make their faces frown

We sing and sing and sing and sing

You cannot turn us off

The cheerful lyrics work like pills

And might improve your cough

We visit people with bad mouths

Whose tongues swell up with sores

Our songs bring lots of sunshine in

Although they're stuck indoors

In the TV series, they sing a verse about leprosy:

We visit folks with leprosy

And sing them songs as such

We're careful not to touch them, though

Or breathe in very much

In the TV series, they sing this in a hallway:

We sing while walking down the hall

And then consult our list

To see the names of anyone

Who just might have a cyst

In the TV series, they sing this extra part when the hospital is burning:

The hospital is burning down

It really is a shame

And the worst part is

The Baudelaires are totally to blame

When the Baudelaires are in the storeroom, they sing this (the first part is difficult to hear):

...and soon it will be ashes

All the patients have to leave

Even those with rashes

Appearances

• The Hostile Hospital
• A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV series)
  • "The Hostile Hospital: Part One"
  • "The Hostile Hospital: Part Two"

Gallery